Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Randomize
