you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
