i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
