Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
