I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
