sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
