I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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