Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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