my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
if only i could text you this smell
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
