I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
