She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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