I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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