look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
