God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
