You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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