I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
