We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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