You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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