no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
