You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
