I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
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I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
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I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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