I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
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