God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
