Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
