theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Randomize
