hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
