Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
