Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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