I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
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