I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
