I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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