I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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