I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
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