her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
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