having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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