dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Randomize
