I could make wine with my vomit
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
