I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
