This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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