Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
