after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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