Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
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