she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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