Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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