Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
