If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
