I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
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He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
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Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
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