My sheets look like a crime scene.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
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He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
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I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
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