No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
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fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
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That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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