Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
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No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
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As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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