So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Randomize
