By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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