I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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