You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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