The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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